How Do you Tell one African from Another? A breakdown on Africans :)

As the new year approaches, one has to wonder the outcome of many situations in Africa. One instance comes to mind: Cote d’Ivoire. Who will win the presidential standoff? LEts not forget Sudan…will they really secede? Will South Africa now become better after the World Cup succeeded? Will Mugabe keel over soon? Oh, yea…Somali. The cold war might have been bloodless for the US and the USSR, but Somali is still paying for it.

However, one big questions stands: if 2011 is the year to celebrate those of African descent as the UN declares it…what will happen to those who live in Africa?

Maybe right off, you should know that this continent is one full of surprises. Well really, “with a continent with 57 (61 territories) sovereign nations, seven time zones, thousands of languages and at least seven climates, with about a billion inhabitants and to my utter astonishment, 14 million not mutually consistent proverbs” (Thandika Mkandawire), what would you expect? Its just confusing for its leaders, let alone those who dub themselves experts of Africa. Theoretically, it might be possible to be an expert on Africa, however, that is highly unlikely, with a myriad of differences and the vastness in the unshared point of views.  Which is why one would be wiser in being an expert of a country, a people, or maybe even a region. But to be an expert of a whole continent? Come on people…this is not Europe or America.

Okay that was the serious part of this post….so for the new year, here is a comical break down on Africa. (Don’t take it too seriously) Its just for your amusement.

It comes as something of a surprise to many Africans to discover that all Africans look the same to non-Africans. If you are an African in the US, don’t be offended if you get confused for a Haitian, or from the Caribbean. (Especially the DR. Here is a guide you should give to your friends just for clarification’s sake.

So How do you tell a Nigerian from a Kenyan, for example; and I am not talking about passports or clothing? Well the easiest way, of course, is the name – For example Ogunkoye can only be a Nigerian and Njoroge from Kenya.

And so where do the Dunns come from? They are certainly from Liberia or Sierra Leone.

Surely, everybody knows that the loud and cocky ones are the West Africans
The brooding and sly ones are the North and South Africans respectively

The East Africans always say yes, even when they disagree with you violently.(Please do not mistake this as cowardice-but rather-calculating and diplomatic)

To be more specific, the Cameroonians will borrow money from you to buy Champagne; whilst the Ghanaians think they invented politics.

The Congolese think they have the best music and the best dancers

The Nigerians have a thing about clothes…

and the Ethiopians believe they have the most beautiful women on God’s earth, but their Men (ohhh Lawd Knows …there was a skipped gene)

Moroccans actually think they’re French, and so do the Burkinabes. Just wait until you taste their food though.

Algerians just hate the French

Sierra Leoneans simply smile profusely…

and Liberians can’t get over America.

All East and South African countries have the same national anthem, but the South Africans sing it the best.

The South Africans have no hair;

the Zambians and Kenyans have prominent foreheads; (shiny too)

The West Africans have short memories and never learn from their mistakes

The concept of order and discipline must have been invented in East Africa; the words don’t exist in West Africa, especially in Nigeria.

When a cabinet minister is “caught with his hands in the till,” he commits suicide in Southern Africa; in West Africa he’s promoted after the next coup d’etat.

In athletics, the divisions are quite simple: from 800m to the marathon the East Africans hold sway; the West Africans are only good at the sprints; and South Africans can only sing.

When it comes to football (soccer), the North and West Africans dominate the lesser-skilled East and South Africans.



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